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IamKiss

Feeling Useless

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Hello guys, I don't even know where should I start from, so I'll just say it's my 19th birthday today and I can surely tell that it's my worst birthday in my life, I can also add that it's the day when i feel i completely hitted the rock bottom,and I do not think that I'll be able to recover from it... So let's move on to the story. I look completely normal and calm outside, but in my mind it's a total chaos. I live in Europe, and my name's Jacob, sorry maybe I've should of started from that but I just cant focus and get a clear plan of what I want to tell, i just want to lay it all out because i feel completely lonely. I've felt the same way through the years, even though, I was one of the most popular guys in school, had friends everywhere, and everyone wanted to be my friend, I was a smart kid, even though i started school under age, when i was 5, kids start school 7 years old in my country. So at all time my classmates and friends were older than me. But i never felt emotionally attached to anyone, never used to talk about my problems to anyone, not even my parents, or brother, they knew the least about my life. I feel like that I can't trust anyone and don't want to tell them my problems. I have a few close friends who I call my best friends, but I don't even mention a half  whats going on in my mind. So yeah in school i was a popular guy,but I was always very silent, never bullied other kids, like most of   

cool guys do. Years went on and i was becoming even more better than anyone around me, i felt more smarter than anyone around me. At 16 years old i found a way to make money playing online game, and only at year 16th, i made like 30k$ which is like 3 times more than an usual grown person earns in my country. Later on older teens, started to benefit from me, pretending that they're my friends hanging out with me and stuff, to get some money from me, they've lead me to not a good path. At year 16-18 if I would've focused on what i was doing I could've earnt more than 100k$ for sure, what i was doing didn't break any law, although it did kind of break the rules of the game. 

When i was 17 my older friend who was 19 (i used to think that he's my best friend) encouraged me to buy a car and drive without license, I had switched 5 cars, most of them were smashed, and one stoled. My parents didn't knew anything about it. They didn't know I had that much money. One day thought they found 5k$ in my drawer. I told them that I made it playing a game online, and they did believe it. The money was put to my savings account. Later on my method of making money ended, well it didn't actually end, i just didn't put any effort in it scammed all my online friends who helped me, and never treated me wrong, that was encouraged by my "best friend" "..". In last grade in school i was 17, found a girlfriend which i really loved and cared about, she was the most prettiest girl in school, she didn't use me for my good financial situation, but after on she dumped me for her ex, that was a big punch to me, I felt depressed after that, started gambling online and lost alot of my savings ( not that 5k$ which my parents took). A month after that, my car BMW 3 series, was stolen, with the help of my "best friend", a 23 year old bandit from my city  took it ( he was a good friend of "..") That was another big punch to me I felt betraid by my best friend, didn't really care about financial lose that much, didn't worry about money then still. After that event my life just started going down, everything felt like it was slidding from my hands... I couldn't make any more money online playing the game, because i had no one to help me get back in it (because i've scammed my friends) nor i had the money to play the game myself (it requires some investment if you want to earn money). I had no money anymore and my life has changed, it felt like the people don't look at me the way they used to, i wasn't the cool guy anymore, i felt so alone... Anyways i graduated school, got in a university law studies, by the time i was in school i didn't even think about what i actually i want to study, i felt that i can keep making alot of money forever from that online game. 

Didn't worry about anything, lost my connection to all my old friends. During the summer i took 2k$ from my savings account, my parents didn't knew about it, and i started gambling in the slot machines, and racing dogs. I felt the need to make money, that's how my gambling addiction started. I want to mention that i was always venturesome person, the method to make the money in the game was gambling too, just i had the odds to win in long term just like slot machines, or betting points do. So i lost that 2k$, the school year started, parents found out that i took that 2k$ I also stole 1k$ from my parents savings from home... I got my drivings license, bought myself a car (BMW same model as i used to drive without license) started studying thinking that it's a fresh start I can become as good as i was before, find something new... Studying wasn't a big deal for me in school nor in university if i ever putted a little effort in but i never did, I'M A SLOTH. So i didn't put too much attention in my studies, i was just gambling every day at the betting points, i remember one day i made like 4k$ and felt like " I'm back" I can be better than everyone again, anyways i lost it during a week or so... I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT FROM MY parents, I wasn't taking any money from them ever since i was 16. And having no money or having to ask from them so i can eat, that felt so embarassing for me, i always felt that i need to do everything myself, never asked for anyone's help. So the days passed, i was just gambling everyday one day having 500$ or something the other weeks totally broke... Passed the first semester in university without any debts, didn't get good grades tho, i studied only a day before exam, I had 5 of them... But still they were passed, my parents didn't worry about it too much, obviously they told me that i have to put more effort in. The next semester i started skipping classes, my gambling addiction was just getting bigger, i was mentally exhausted and depressed, started lying to my parents stealing stuff from home so i can gamble... The second semester exams came, the proffesors only let me to take 3/5 exams, because i didn't attend to classes. I failed the 3 exams anyway, and told my parents i passed 4 and only failed 1. 

Summer started, i was hanging out with some older students from my old school they all finished university this year, i was PARTYING ALOT drinking going out overnight all the weekends, drinking, started taking drugs like cocaine, MDMA, XTC, every weekend!.. Some of my old friends tryed to tell me that i must stop and rethink about what i want to achieve in my life, they told me look at yourself... So my old friends stopped hanging out with me.. Before the summer i had found a hustle to buy a mobile phone and get the money you paid for it back... So i was financially stable during the summer, even though i still gambled away 70% of my money... I UNDERSTAND THAT I CAN'T MAKE MONEY FROM THE CASINO AND I WILL LOSE IT IN LONG RUN, i just feel  the need to win some to cover my expenses.. It always ended up me losing 3 or 4 times more that i needed for my expenses to eat hang out somewhere or for the weeekend... In july i smashed my car, i wasn't drunk or high on drugs anyway, my car just started slidding and i hitted pillar... There was nothing left from it was non fixable... This was the last thing i had saved and bought myself from 16... ( I'M SURE I MADE OVER 60K$ from the game when i was 16-17)...

So at that point i can say i was entirely broke, and threw everything, everything away.... THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT The people around me, they are all doing good, my old friends driving good cars, everyone has money, did good on their exams in university)... I FELT LIKE SHIT, I WENT FROM BEING THE BEST TO NOTHING... I FELT USELESS, everyone had job durring the summer and during the university year but I DID NOT, I never thought that i will need to work for  anyone.. Though my father had found me a place to practice in a law firm during the summer, i attended only like 3 times there, even though i had to stay there atleast part time everyday... PArents didnt know nothing about it...After smashing my car i started partying and taking drugs even more, was still getting some incomes from the free phones, but a month or something later it broke down, and i went in debt to my friends from who i borrowed some money to buy a phone... I sold the phone and gambled the money anyways, I'm still in debt to him like 1k$ now... My parents went for a holiday to U.S. at the end of august, for 2 weeks.. So i was home alone for 2 weeks, i drank and took drugs for every single day that time... ( ALso gambled away the money they left me for living while they were away) The day they were supposed to come back, i had to take car from my brother because he had his stag the day before... I didn't go to MY BROTHER'S STAG don't ask me why i was just taking pills in some rave party, with some piece of shit people... IM SUCH A LOSER. ON TOP OF THAT I WHEN I WOKE UP THAT MORNING I LOOKED AT MY PHONE FOUND 20 MISSED CALLS FROM MY BROTHER AND 1 TEXT FROM HIM " YOURE AN IDIOT YOU were supposed to take parents from the airport", i was still drunk and high on extasy, in my living room i found 10 people, half of them id idnt even know... WHOLE APARTAMENT WAS A MESS AND PARENTS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME IN LIKE 15 minutes.. I cleaned up the home abit ( ATLEAST I THOGUHT SO) and i went to sleep again ( i woke up in evening found my mom sitting next to me telling what is wrong with you, you puked for like 3hours,( i didnt remember shit i took like 7 xtc pills last evening) whole apartament was a mess, my mom searched my whole room just like she was sensing something, and she found a bag of weed with money ( forgot to mention i was selling weed when my parents were away)...

It was 4th of semptember my second year of studies have started, at that point i thought i understand that i did bad things and want to change, i will start studying now... My parents were really mad at me, also scared that i was selling drugs, i didnt admit that though, i said it's not mine... My mom gave me a cheap urine drug test, the results were negative, wow atleast a small relief.. Few days were passed, after i was taking drugs so probably thats the case why it was negative... IWANT TO MENTION THAT AT THE TIME IN SCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16-17 I stigmatized people who were taking drugs, writed off my friends who were smoking weed as losers... LOOK AT ME NOW IM A FUCKING LOSER... So yesterday on setember 14th my parents found out that i failed all my exams last semester...... WE had a big argument, i started blaming them that they always treated me wrong, never took care of me nor showed interest in what i was doing, maybe i couldve been a better person right now if they paid attention... WELL I UNDERSTAND THEY ALWAYS DID JUST I WAS A  PROBLEM AND I WAS ALWAYS CLOSED IN MYSELF NEVER SPOKE TO THEM ABOUT ANY OF MY PROBLEMS NOR ACHIEVEMENTS... I'm about to get kicked out of university because of my debts, im financially broke, almost have no friends left and even fucking crying right now as im writing this stupid story which isnt going to change anything because nobody cares... I Want to change my studies to LAW AND business maybe its still possible doing it this year without losing one year as a kick out... I dont feel like telling my parents about my wish, because they paid for my studies last year, and they were supposed to do it this year too... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM SO DEPRESSED AND IVE NEVER FELT SO DOWN UNTIL TODAY... ITS SETEMBER 15TH MY 19th birthday, i cant stop thinking about 2 years back when i was 17, how much better and perspective iwas....

I feel like i fucked my life up, lost the trust of my parents, of my friends, and now IM ACTUALLY ALONE, THE LONELINESS BEFORE WAS JUST A ILLUSION I HAD MADE UP........ SO YEAH BEST BIRTHDAY EVER FOR SURE... I don't feel like suiciding though i had thoughts of that before, I wanna stand up and fight for myself, become good again, but i just can't think of a way to do that........ I DONT THINK I GET BACK UP AGAIN......... IM USELESS AND fucking idiot and a slod........ i dont belong here........

Sorry for my bad english im foreign still.. Sorry if my story doesn't fit here i just didnt find a place to post it, and i felt the need to express myself somewhere to someone... I feel a little better now, little more calm after writing this... Hopefully i can still recover and prove that im not a rubbish..

Thanks for listening out to me, it means a lot, total strangers!

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Hello IK,

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

I've gone through everything you described... I have some questions for you:

  • You said a "friend" of yours stole your car - why didn't you go to the police?
  • I am not sure what was the online game you played when you were 16? If it made you money supposedly, why are you not going back to it?
  • You described taking lots of drugs - does it make your life better?

And main thing,

If you feel like life is terrible then my suggestion to you is to change your place, go to another country.

Do your utmost to get your degree at University and use it to immigrate to somewhere else.

 

If I were you that's what I would do - I would leave and get uprooted from my "comfort zone" and look for a new place to start new life.

You owe it to yourself.

 

Don't compare your life to others and don't rely on "friends" with self-interest to help you ... real friends want your best, not your money - but if your environment is no longer a friendly environment - then create a new one in a new place.

 

Make it your new goal, to get enough money to leave, to say goodbye to your parents and become a better person.

 

History shows that people who did it have become extremely successful people ... you can even succeed without a degree (but get one if you're close to get one).

 

If you change your mindset about this you might be able to get a much better start and much better life for you ... you seem to speak and know English pretty well, so use it as an advantage, the sky is the limit.

 

Good luck!

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